You Really Can't Go Home

I'm upset with Bon Jovi for being so fucking stupid as to misinterpret one of the most accurate statements of all time. You can't go home.

Come on, man. It doesn't mean that you can't go back to your house or your family. It says that you can't go home, Jon. Think about it. Think about the way that after you made Slippery When Wet, the kids from your neighborhood all looked at you differently when you "went home". Do you still live in that industrial neighborhood where you grew up, dude? Do you even really want to go home? I mean, I know you're all "Jersey" and shit, but I promise you, Richie doesn't wanna go back where he came from. That would mean forfeiting the right to fuck the likes of Heather Locklear and Denise Richards.

You sound like a retard more and more every time I hear you sing this song, so let me point out exactly what this means...

Every day that I age, work, live, I get farther away from "home" as I came to know it as a child. I still have my mother's phone number at my childhood house listed as "home" in my cell phone, even though my house hasn't been hers for nearly three years. I think that home will always be this house, this family, my mother and sister. I may get married and have kids someday (more about this later, actually), but even then, part of me will be imagining home as the place where I was a child.

When I was just out of college, I really did try to go back, but I was a drinker and a member of the workforce. I paid bills now. In this place, which will always be home, I am not who I was, so it isn't what it was...Does that make sense? Think about it. You may go back to your home, but once you leave, you are visiting a place so entangled with memories, it's a ghost home. Once you leave, home becomes something you can't go back to, but something you strive to create for the rest of your life.

Basically, Jon, you need to understand that...well, the song blows and it's annoying as shit. Take it off the radio, please.