PS

Jason Mulgrew is probably a walking STD conglomerate, (what with all the ass he gets, apparently in a one-night-only capacity, he's probably a medical miracle) but I'd still probably have sex with him after four drinks, if it weren't the first night I ever met him, because I don't do that anymore. Mr. Mulgrew is decidedly not reading this, but if he were, I would still leave this post up, because I'm too lazy to take it down and because I want him to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that if we ever wound up on the same side of the continent for more than a week together, I'd hunt him down, get some kiltlifter in him and have my way with him. But I'd definitely make him wear a condom. Not because I'm just safe like that...I mean, I am just safe like that, but even if I weren't, that boy probably has (what would Gareth say?) knob rot (ha) like you wouldn't believe.

I also love Gareth, but I wouldn't have sex with him or the actor who plays him. Because 1)Mackenzie Crook is married and 2)I mean, come on...Gareth!?

The date

I need a cigarette. Hold on. I gotta try and get 'em all in before next week...

...Insert seven minute lapse...

The date was lame, not much more I can say. I met this guy on a Wednesday, we hung out for a few hours. The he called me back on Thursday.

...A bit of a side note here...guys never do this. If you are a guy and you're reading this, (which is highly unlikely, unless you're Adam) you ought to know that the number one way to impress someone you want to date, or even just fuck, is to call them the very next day. I'm not saying it's the only thing you have to do; there's a lot involved in conveying interest. But for the record, calling the next day avoids a lot of that nonsense. It says, "I'm still thinking about you," and there isn't much more appealing to someone who wants to be pursued.

I don't know about all people, but I can say that for me, what holds me back from dating is my deep-seated fear that he's really not interested. So I'll just put it out there that a next-day call-back makes me think he's not just bored. I'm not just someone to fill his time and his bed; he likes me. Even if it's not true, the message is clear. I know a guy who gets more ass than anyone I know, and his first move is always the next-day call-back. I've even heard him say, "I really don't have anything to talk about; I just really wanted to talk to you." Isn't that sweet? Doesn't it melt your heart and your barriers? That's the point. Get it?

(Hi, Adam. I don't mean to shortchage you, but you probably already know this, seeing as how you're very good at interpersonal relations, and I really can't imagine you not having figured this out.)

So anyway, this guy calls back the next day and asks if I want to go out on Sunday. I said yes and we set up to meet at The Neurolux at 8pm. We did and it was fine, except it was just like hanging out with a friend. No subtle flirtation, no buying of drinks, no compliments. And then he proceeds to explain this fuked up situation with this girl at work and how he really just wants to be friends right now. I am okay with this. (One thing you'll all already know about me is that when I'm not going crazy, I'm pretty fucking easygoing).

Anyway, we just talked for a couple hours, set a tentative friends-only date to watch Spinal Tap, as it's prerequisite to a friendship with me anymore, and he went home early. I went and sat with other friends of mine, who had been waving at me all night and met 3 or 4 other guys, one of whom was very promising, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Anyway, the night wasn't a waste, just a weird experience. And one that I likely won't have again, as I am predicting the next guy who asks me out on a date will actually want to date me. This date tonight doesn't count, because he asked me before I made this prediction, and I'm pretty sure it'll end exactly the same way. Friends-only. Story of my fucking life.

-

Happy holidays to all of you, or if your religion doesn't have a holiday in this part of the year, well, I'm pretty sure you're not reading, because only two people are, and they both celebrate Christmas. Sorry, Hindu ghost reader.

Meanwhile...

I don't know when I'll be able to sit down and write again, but I thought I'd let you all know I have a date tomorrow. A real date. I've never really had one of those before where me and a guy who likes me go out in public together. Isn't that exciting?

I'm Sorry

Hello. I feel bad about not updating in so long. Like Steve at The Sneeze, except slightly less annoying because I don't think there are hundreds of people who check my weblog every day to read something hilarious. Good thing, too. 'Cause I got nothin'.

I'm sitting at my mom's house and there's a guy over here who wants to date my mom. His name is Jeff and he's a doofus. That's pretty much the only word that fits. He thinks glue sticks were invented sometime this year. He doesn't understand "why the blacks always wear those big necklaces". He is laughing at a nature show about white water rapids in Idaho. Hello? We live in Idaho. What's more, this guy actually owns and drives a jet boat. Why is he watching...Oh, nevermind. It's not worth being condescending to someone who doesn't understand that you should type and spell check your cover letters when you apply for a job. It's also not worth being condescending to someone when they can't hear you. And he will basically never in a million years read this, so fuck it.

Anyway, yes, I am quite alive and very well. Just got a job with a major telecom company, about which I can say nothing, due to the fact that I'd then have to kill you and I don't really know how to kill someone. And I'm too lazy to look it up and too cheap to hire a hit man. It'd be a huge fucking mess.

I also bought some shit and had a few crushes on a few different guys. Same old stuff.

Also, the whole Spider thing happened, but I'm still not gonna talk about that yet. I'm still embarrassed and terrified about it.