Not so Comfortably

I have somehow lost the ability to laugh or cry. I hate my numbness. I hate having to be around people in an effort to assume a posture of normalcy. I'm going to cash my check tonight and take a long walk to nowhere and cry. Maybe I'll go swing on the swingsets at Animal's Body-Part Park until it gets dark enough to take off my clothes and get lost in sensation. I need to sense or feel or reel in some sort of something. Because I never feel anything anymore if it's not panic.

I'm trying to keep myself in crying mode. I'm thinking of friends I've lost, friends I thought I was going to get back, but am not, friends I've alienated, lovers I've hurt, lovers who've hurt me, lovers who continue to hurt me without knowing they're doing it, my inability to tell them...my inability to be sad is the saddest thing I can think of.

And don't get me wrong, it's not that I want to be depressed, I want to be anything but this. And this is some sort of terrifying limbo where I feel constantly on the verge of oblivion.

***
I walked last night to Boy's house, not realizing I was doing it until I was halfway there. I got up and wished it had been raining and walked out into the middle of Harrison Blvd and laid down on a median to watch the dusk lengthen and stretch the trees until I couldnt tell the difference between sky and life. And the cars were driving by so fast and the lights were on. It wasn't right. So I got up and started walking around the backroads and wound up there.

I hate needing company. Tonight I'm trying to avoid it. But I want to get elegantly wasted. Shit. I need to prove to myself that I can do at least one night with no company. Maybe tomorrow.

Never Felt It...

But I do hope I will:

GORECKI
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still in my heart this moment
Or it might burst
Could we stay right here
Until the end of time
until the earth stops turning
Wanna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one
I've waited for

All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one
I've waited for
The one I've waited for

All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this

Wanna stay right here
'Til the end of time
'till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one
I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
Wanna stay right here
'Til the end of time
'till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you
till the seas run dry
I've found the one
I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for

Sex

It seems that's all I ever write about anymore. Does it drive you nuts yet? I don't think so, because you all don't read it anymore. I miss you guys!

Horrible Daughter

I'm a terrible daughter. I didn't even call my mother yesterday!

It Looks Like...

Instead of getting laid, I'm gonna go hang with my mom tonight.

Get Better

I subscribe to the "work is work" philosophy. I honestly believe that the most I have in common with people I work with is that we walk the same square footage of carpet every day. Ultimately, when I have to take an engagemnet survey and it asks "Do you have a best friend at work?" I can honestly say no. And odds are, I never will have a best friend at work, unless I start a business with my best friend. Even then, work would be work and friendship would be friendship and very rarely the twain shall meet. Catch my drift?

(Please, actually, catch it. it's been drifting out there for ages and, as anyone who's ever treaded water will tell you, that gets tiring really fast.)

But for once I've found someone I like to hang out with who happens to work with me. He's one of the coolest guys I've ever met, at work or elsewhere, and I think he knows I adore him. And hopefully he digs me too. You never can tell. I rejoiced at the news that he and I would be on the same team for the up and coming shift change. And we just got moved around. His desk is two away from mine. Were he here I's be able to merely stand and see the back of his perfectly shaped head. (And yes, I did intend for that to be creepy. I don't know if his head is perfectly shaped or not. I'm just trying to give him some quality attributes other than just being fucking awesome and having met Blondie. Twice. I remember everything. Well, not the shape of his head.)

But he's ill. I haven't seen him for too long. I miss him. If there were anything I could do to help, I'd do it, but I haven't heard. If he were to, say, email me at firstname.lastname@company.com, I could give him my phone number in case he needs anything. I'm just saying. I want him to get better and I want him to get back. Soon.

Dear Number Two,

I know you might have sex with her, and that really isn't a problem. What is a problem is that you might have sex with her without a condom, which means you and I can't have sex anymore, since I don't want to use a condom when I have sex with you. Period. So please, if you find yourself preparing to do anything involving penetration with her tonight, or any night with anyone for that matter, please use a condom with them, so you don't have to use a condom with me.

In words that might mean more to you, if you have to use a condom when you and I have sex, you're gonna have to live without the oral break between positions, because seriosuly, have you ever tasted latex? Gross.

(By the way, I know that second paragraph sounds like I might be willing to try intercourse with you without a condom, but if it's not great in other ways, I'm really, really gonna miss you)

Witty Words to Get You Laid:

"Sometimes it's the day after your birthday and you're lying in bed at nearly noon next to a man with a large erect penis and you think to yourself, 'Why am I masturbating?'"

(Cue strangely joyous laughter and shortly thereafter, sex will commence. Good luck!)

Turn Off

I need to start losing weight again and stop thinking so much. Stop getting this knot in my stomach of fear and nausea whenever I think about even the remote possibility of getting involved with anyone. Stop even considering getting with someone. And I told someone that last night...

Actually we both kind of told each other at kind of exactly the same time. Apparently we both thought the other was getting a little too attached, which is interesting because I thought he was getting too close because he kept saying things like, "should we go public with our relationship?" and, "this is what love tastes like." He thought I was getting too famliar because I...well, did the exact same thing I always do. (I instigated kisses and sex of all kinds and lounged around his house naked, except for when I was wearing a leash. It's really that good.)

But we are both right. We've been spending too much time together. It's really not healthy, physically or monetarily. So I'm cutting back. Not cutting OFF, but I'm gonna stop thinking about it, now that the stuff is out there. I have a lover and that's it. We both know it and I can officially stop caring what he says about love and dating and all that shit. Well, I'm allowed to. I just hope I can, as I have a tendency to overthink without thinking about it.