Band (And Other Stuff) Update

I don't know if I mentioned before that this band sleepover thing happened at my mom's house, because I was housesitting and watching my 16-year-old sister at the time. I thought about not telling my mom that I had the band spend the night at her house, but I thought better of it. I mean, she'd've found out anyway, really. And I didn't think it'd be a huge deal. Boy was I wrong. I told her and she was very disappointed, which is pretty run-of-the-mill for me. The weird thing is that it fed into a "you're drinking your life away" speech I was in no way expecting. Apparently she spent the week thinking about my life's goals and my habits and all that stupid shit that I haven't shared with her but she thinks she knows anyway.

Afterwards I went home and went out to the bar. I sat with my friend, who also happens to be a doorman at my favorite bar. He's a pretty regular fixture in my drinking life, but I've never seen him outside the bar. I have a bit of a crush on him. Anyway. He said he thinks I need to be alone for a while.

The point is (and here's where it becomes more of a life update than a band one) I do tend to offer up certain parts of myself to avoid offering up others. I'll have sex with someone to keep from getting romantically involved with them. Now, I know my friend was just projecting a little bit, because he does the same sort of things as me. But honestly, I need to take some time off of being this party girl. Not for my mom's sake, but for the sake of my important relationships. I need to forego drunken conversations for real ones. One-night stands for one-year ones. Buddies for friends.

Here's the plan. I'm cutting back on the nights I go out. I almost always hit the Neurolux every day, but I'm going to start doing humpdays and weekends only. And if my friend starts bartending on Mondays, I'll switch to Monday afternoons instead of humpdays. When I go out to the bar, I will not bring anyone home. Period. I will actually not have sex again until I am actually on my way to being with someone. And by that, I mean I have to know them. First name and last name. I have to know what the do and like and we have to have seen each other outside of the bar. And they have to take me out. And by that I mean, we have to have gone out. (Not necessarily that he pays or picks me up or some stupid shit like that, just, you know, going out. Even just for drinks. Pre-arrangement, friends.) He has to be someone I can talk to about stuff. Someone who will come over and watch a movie or listen to music. Not just fuck me and leave. I will see my friends in some other context than late at night, wasted. And if they don't want to see me in any other way, they're not my friends. That may even include my doorman friend...Sad.

I don't know how else to accomplish this self-imposed solitude without going crazy. I need this social aspect, but I can't let it be my safety net, you know? I need to remember how good it can feel to be vulnerable.