Sex On The Brain

While I was perusing The Bouncer's website tonight, I came across this. Now, I understand his point, and I'm all for making it easy on you guys. But the truth is, you have to make it easy, too. Seriously, don't read on if you don't want cold sex talk for a second.

My biggest "sex as a workout" beef comes from spooning. (First of all, if your cock isn't huge, this position is not going to do you any favors. It doesn't affect the feel of your girth and it sure as hell makes peter seem shorter than we may know he really is. If you're not gonna put it in my ass, I don't even want to think about having sex this way. No, you cannot put it in my ass. Don't even ask.)

In almost any other position I can think of, it is completely natural for my body to push against you when you push against me, so why pick this position where I have to think like hell to get this rhythym down? Is it just me, or does every body naturally want to push forward when the person spooning you pushes forward? And in order to maintain any arousing form of depth, I have to put my hips in a position that makes me feel like an out-of-shape belly dancer, and you can't even fucking see me. Here I am holding in my stomach, spreading my kness just so, arching my back, turning my ribcage and undulating like mad while trying to anticipate the next thrust. You just lie on your side and pump? Fuck you.

Actually, I advise against it, because it's not that great a time.

Now, personally, I don't mind it if the guy is really laying on top of me in the missionary position. It makes it easier for me to bite him or scratch his back or pull his hair (or any of my many tyrannies of the bedroom that I use to symbolize that I want them reciprocated in kind). Also, I'm a big girl; I can take it. Maybe you big, buff, tractor-tire-flipping types need to look at the girls you're fucking. If she's a head and shoulders shorter than you and as big around as your forearm, you got problems with mish. That's just life, man. Get over it or choose someone who isn't gonna break.

But hands down, best position is your standard all-fours, I-would-say-doggy-style-but-I-hate-that-terminology position. First of all, if you and I fall into traditional man-on-top as soon as we have our clothes off, there is nothing more exciting to me than the look on your face or the hitch in your stroke or the little noise you make when I lean up and whisper, "Flip me over. I want you from behind." It's neat that you can slap or bite me from here, but I got nothing on you. I like that your testicles slap against my clitoris (and I couldn't think of any other way to say that without sounding like a porn star). I love that you can touch most of my body from here. I adore the fact that if you don't think to touch me, I can touch myself from here. And best, is when you touch me, so I can reach back between my legs and touch you. And I love that you never seem to expect that move...Damn...I need a boyfriend.

He could put it in my ass.