Not so Comfortably

I have somehow lost the ability to laugh or cry. I hate my numbness. I hate having to be around people in an effort to assume a posture of normalcy. I'm going to cash my check tonight and take a long walk to nowhere and cry. Maybe I'll go swing on the swingsets at Animal's Body-Part Park until it gets dark enough to take off my clothes and get lost in sensation. I need to sense or feel or reel in some sort of something. Because I never feel anything anymore if it's not panic.

I'm trying to keep myself in crying mode. I'm thinking of friends I've lost, friends I thought I was going to get back, but am not, friends I've alienated, lovers I've hurt, lovers who've hurt me, lovers who continue to hurt me without knowing they're doing it, my inability to tell them...my inability to be sad is the saddest thing I can think of.

And don't get me wrong, it's not that I want to be depressed, I want to be anything but this. And this is some sort of terrifying limbo where I feel constantly on the verge of oblivion.

***
I walked last night to Boy's house, not realizing I was doing it until I was halfway there. I got up and wished it had been raining and walked out into the middle of Harrison Blvd and laid down on a median to watch the dusk lengthen and stretch the trees until I couldnt tell the difference between sky and life. And the cars were driving by so fast and the lights were on. It wasn't right. So I got up and started walking around the backroads and wound up there.

I hate needing company. Tonight I'm trying to avoid it. But I want to get elegantly wasted. Shit. I need to prove to myself that I can do at least one night with no company. Maybe tomorrow.