Articulate

I've been thinking a lot about my last post, and haven't been able to wrap my head around how to articulate what I wanted to say. Ultimately , it's this: I love to play. I agree with Boy that kids play on a playground and adults play in the bedroom. (Which ties in brilliantly elsewhere, remind me to tell you later) I play rough. I like biting and hair-pulling and ropes and being taken from behind while I'm halfway dressed and calling the cab company. I like being with a guy who likes watching me squirm.

But play is play and life is life and life isn't supposed to be as rough as play. I never really understood the difference between dogs play fighting and real fighting until last week. But having my hair pulled and my dress ripped and having my arms pinned to my sides by a strong guy, and not being turned on by it...I never would have understood that either, until last week.

Last Night

I got a call from Erik, an Australian guy I was friends with right after I got out of college. He's been living in Seattle and doesn't get to Boise very often. He has a rental here, but I've never been to it. I thought I was going to last night, but all I wound up seeing was a ripped dress, blood and the underneath side of a bush. (I wasn't physically hurt or raped or anything, just a little bit in hysterics)

The odd part was that I couldn't help but think about Boy. He had told me not two nights before all about how when I complained or showed that I wasn't physically enjoying something he did, it almost made him that much more turned on. I sent him a text that said, "Thanks for liking me. I'm done" before I remembered why I like him back. I wound up crashing on his couch, because I called to apologize and he made me stop by before I went home. It's a little endearing that the sight of me clutching my dress to my chest to keep it from falling down makes him shake uncontrollably.

For me, the difference between rape (I wasn't raped) and sex is mutual consent after the act. I know that's a little bit duh and a little bit incorrect, but I truly believe when you know someone well enough and you trust someone completely in that context, if you have a relationship that is founded on honesty and openess, that person may very well know what you want sexually more than you do. And ultimately, sometimes it's rape when you say yes and wish you had said no. Don't get me wrong. Actually don't get me at all. No one's reading this anyway. What's the point of being eloquent? I'm actually gonna ditch this tirade, just leave it at, "You don't know what I'm talking about because I didn't finish my thought process"